It’s ironic, but independence isn’t something you can learn all by yourself, writes Andrew Reiner. Boys need tolerant, empathetic adults — especially dads — in their lives to become self-reliant.
I’ll preface that my dad is a good dad, not perfect, and I love him, but some of this article was painful to read.
It’s ironic, but independence isn’t something you can learn all by yourself. Boys need tolerant, empathetic adults in their lives in order to become self-reliant. They need to know that we care about and value them, even when we don’t agree with their desires and decisions.
This hurt to read. My dad was brutal if you were going against his wishes. He would really pressure you and it killed my older brother’s relationship with him for over a decade after a major falling out. There were many years where my dad didn’t get to see his own grandson except once a year, all over things which in hindsight turned out perfectly fine.
Why do they do this? Mostly because they simply aren’t aware of boys’ greater need for what Tronick calls “emotional scaffolding.” In fact, many of them still operate from a dusty playbook on masculinity that tells them to toughen up their sons
My dad, very explicitly, had the position that if you didn’t do manly things you would turn out gay. Gay was bad, and so was going effeminate things. He wasn’t alone back then either, he got that pressure from his whole family. There was a lot of those old fashioned ideas of masculinity growing up, which my mom rightfully called stupid.
I like my relationship with my dad a lot now, he’s changed a lot, and he’s a much better dad than when I was younger. When I was a kid he was intimidating, but could also be very fun, and you really wanted to make him happy.
I don’t know what changed, but over the years he’s really chilled out, he’s a great listener, and he’s got a bunch of creative hobbies that frankly he would have made judged himself about if he were the same as 30 years ago.
Ask that to say, some wounds still hurt, but also people can change for the better. This information is getting out there and hopefully we can all kill off our toxic masculinity biases.
I’ll preface that my dad is a good dad, not perfect, and I love him, but some of this article was painful to read.
This hurt to read. My dad was brutal if you were going against his wishes. He would really pressure you and it killed my older brother’s relationship with him for over a decade after a major falling out. There were many years where my dad didn’t get to see his own grandson except once a year, all over things which in hindsight turned out perfectly fine.
My dad, very explicitly, had the position that if you didn’t do manly things you would turn out gay. Gay was bad, and so was going effeminate things. He wasn’t alone back then either, he got that pressure from his whole family. There was a lot of those old fashioned ideas of masculinity growing up, which my mom rightfully called stupid.
I like my relationship with my dad a lot now, he’s changed a lot, and he’s a much better dad than when I was younger. When I was a kid he was intimidating, but could also be very fun, and you really wanted to make him happy.
I don’t know what changed, but over the years he’s really chilled out, he’s a great listener, and he’s got a bunch of creative hobbies that frankly he would have made judged himself about if he were the same as 30 years ago.
Ask that to say, some wounds still hurt, but also people can change for the better. This information is getting out there and hopefully we can all kill off our toxic masculinity biases.