My boyfriend (33) and I (38) have been together for almost four years. We were one of those early couples during COVID who decided to cohabitate sooner than we would normally have preferred. I was living in San Francisco and he was in Northern Virginia. I drove cross-country with my cat and most the valuable possessions I could fit into a sedan to move in with him.

Things have gone well, with one exception: we haven’t decided where we are going to live for the long term. Last year, we moved from Northern Virginia back to his home state because his mother was ill. His state is in the US South and borders my home state. We have very different views on our region of origin.

As a kid, I dreamt of leaving Tennessee before I knew I was gay. I realized I was irreligious in middle school, so I’m sure you can imagine what it was like going to a public high school that had a course that taught the bible as literal truth and a baccalaureate service at a Southern Baptist church that was paid for by the mandatory cap-and-gown rental fees. Moving to Atlanta was marginally better, but moving to SF was like escaping hell.

He, on the other hand, loves this region and his home state. He grew up in Appalachia, was very involved in his church and was even semi-out at his church. He feared his dad learning that he was gay more than he was afraid of anyone at church finding out. After his dad died, that was obviously no longer an issue, so he’s completely out to his family and they accept our relationship.

It was my suggestion that we move here, though we considered Atlanta and Richmond, VA. The rationale was that he really wanted to move back home and that he missed his family. Throughout our relationship, he was always upfront about planning to move back home at some point. Ultimately, I wanted to rip off the band-aid sooner so that if things didn’t work out, we’d still be young enough to have an easier time finding new partners. I saw no point in prolonging what may be inevitable.

I don’t hate it here, but I’m also very introverted and on the spectrum, so I can go a long time without face-to-face contact with strangers. I’ve leaned in to my hobbies, which are all solitary in nature. I find it tolerable because I don’t have to interact with the local culture.

He loves it here; since we moved back, his mental and physical health have improved. He’s very much an extrovert, so he’s joined an affirming church and gotten involved with it. He’s also reconnected with old friends. I mention this because there’s a bit of tension about the fact that he’ll invite me to events and gatherings and I always say no. Since he’s asked me this, I have been honest about the fact that I was not like this in SF or Atlanta; I was much more interested in socializing and going to events, far more so in SF.

There’s an unspoken understanding that we’ll likely have to move somewhere else due to his job or my career. I’m a contractor at a big tech company; going full-time would require relocation. I’ve been looking for a more stable job for a few months but the market is terrible and companies are much pickier than they were before COVID. I have no interest in working for a non-tech company or any company not based on the West Coast; I’ve done that before and found it rife with social BS. It’s been years since I had to deal with the implicit expectation that I must be interested in organized sports because I’m a masculine-presenting man who regularly works out.

tl;dr: my partner and I have had variations on the same fight (where to live long-term) for the past 3 years or so . We’ve made progress but haven’t come to a real resolution. It’s complicated by the fact that even though we’re in a relatively big city, there’s no tech industry to speak of here and I’ve lost out on at least one opportunity because of our location. Is it time to consider ending things or am I being a worry-wart?

  • johan@feddit.nl
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    1 year ago

    Complicated situation.

    If you don’t have a place where you both want to live full-time then I don’t see this working out.

    Have you talked about what kinds of things are important to you when it comes to where you live? Vicinity of friends and family, job opportunities, lifestyle, size/population density, walkability, etc…

    If you both know what you’re looking for it might be easier to find a place where you could both be happy.

    If it turns out that no place exists that ticks at least most of both your boxes, then perhaps you are simply not compatible as a cohabiting couple. That would really suck but if one person is unhappy about where they live then I don’t see the relationship working out.

    • erebus@lemmy.worldOP
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      1 year ago

      Thanks. That’s the conclusion I’m slowly coming to, as well. I’ve given your words some thought and I think it’s willing to have another conversation when we’re both in a good place mentally and emotionally. He’s been stressed because of the previously impending shutdown, so it probably didn’t help that I brought this up without considering that.

      ETA: I think part of this stems from a desire for us to build our own life together rather than us living in a place that only one of us has ties to. This was one of the things I was insecure about in my previous relationship because I moved in with him. So it always felt like his place (his house, his family, his friends, etc) and I had to fit into it rather than us finding our own way. To be fair, that relationship was a bad idea for several reasons (but that’s often the case in one’s 20s), but I think this is a sore spot due to my history of being kicked out as a youth and, for several years, having to live in places where I didn’t have any say in simple things like furniture and decor. I don’t want him to feel like that (which is part of why I’m hesitant about the Atlanta area) and I don’t want to feel like that (which is part of why I wasn’t keen on living here long-term).

      Edit 2: Your point about thinking about what we want rather than where we want to live is a better way to frame it. We’ve been so fixated on the places (or rather, our perceptions of some places) rather than considering what it is we want out of a place to live.

  • vivavideri@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    I think it depends on a lot of things. I grew up in a progressive city in NC and there’s a whole list of things I love and miss about the south; but, politically, it’s fucked. I don’t mind humidity, the heat sucks but it’s not a deal breaker for me. My gf (pnw native), however, has trouble with humidity because of her asthma, and the heat, and sincerely loathes city life. We both know where we stand regarding our respective dream locations and ultimately decided that compromise wins out. So long as neither of us is miserable, and we’re both a little displeased but manageably so, it’ll be fine. So, we moved to Montana. It was easier for me to live more rural than it was for her to tolerate city, whereas she’d go live an hour from town in a heartbeat. As far as jobs are concerned, though, it’s been rough. There’s not a lot around here that need my specific type of accounting, but I applied for one recently, hopefully it works out.

    If every other facet of your relationship is fucking amazing, hands down, I’d say go to therapy about it together and see if y’all can get your paths merged.

    People are built different out here. They’re conservative but not with the same southern Baptist hostility crap. It also helps being this close to Canada. It feels so much more possible to just leave USA if the GOP goes balls to the wall with the lgbt+ witch hunt shit.

    Also, I fucking love Atlanta and would live there if I could afford it and if gf would have ever tolerated it. The gop in georgia can pound sand tho

    • erebus@lemmy.worldOP
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      1 year ago

      Good luck with the job application! As someone in a similar position, I can relate.

      You gave me a lot to consider and I’ve been reconsidering some of my positions over the past few days. While not ideal, I could probably live in Athens and be okay. It’s close enough to Atlanta to access the tech community there, while being far enough to avoid the stress of the big city and the boredom of the suburbs. It’s also not that far from the Research Triangle and its tech community.

      Thinking about it, I realized that I want us to have a life as “us,” meaning that I don’t want to be “${boyfriend_name}'s boyfriend,” nor do I want the reverse to be true. I’ve mentioned this to him in the past, but only in passing. The more I think about it, the more I realize how important this is to me. Ultimately, I want us to work out more than I want to live in a place I’d gladly move to if I were single or dating someone who’s similarly inclined. But it doesn’t help that there’s nothing here that aligns with my (admittedly weird) interests. For instance, I’ve gotten into working out with steel clubs and maces and am getting into kettlebells (but not CrossFit; just looking at the American kb swing makes my shoulders hurt).

      And you are so right about the different types of conservatism. Out west, other than the militia and religious nuts, it seems like it’s more of a libertarian “live and let live, just don’t tell me what to do” conservatism, whereas in the South and Midwest, it’s more of a totalitarian “my religion is the One True Way and it compels me to hijack the government’s power to force others to comply.” As I’ve told my partner, given only a choice between a religious conservative Democrat and a libertarian, I’d gladly vote for the latter.

      • vivavideri@lemmy.world
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        1 year ago

        If RTP calls to you, check out Durham, chapel Hill, or carrboro. Raleigh’s fine but expensive as shit and non-natives insist it’s boring and lacks amenities that similar sized cities have (aka, Atlanta wins lol). Durham is lgbtpoc central, it’s beautiful, and I love it. All of the above can be outskirts’d so less bustle. Carrboro has this small feel to it while still being friendly. That being said, it probably boils down to which state’s GOP is the least horrible, and NC has been reamed the last 12 years something fierce and it is NOT pretty. Breaks my heart.

        Best of luck to you wherever the two of you find yourselves!

        • erebus@lemmy.worldOP
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          1 year ago

          Thanks! I’m not super enthusiastic about the prospect, but I had a contract gig in Charlotte in late 2018 through mid 2019, so I know I could probably handle RTP. The last time I was in Durham was when I was 15 and attending a camp at Duke, but I remember it being an interesting place.

          I didn’t enjoy Charlotte, though the beer was great and its public transit was good compared to the rest of the South. I suspect I didn’t enjoy it because I hated my job, as does just about everyone who works at Charter. But the city was very clean for a city of its size, the people were nice, and it was wonderful to play in a softball league that wasn’t as full of drama as HSL in Atlanta (and I enjoyed playing for that league, but the drama was a bit much). I felt it was a good place for settling down as a couple, just not for being a young and unattached adult.

          The political situation in pretty much all of the South gives me pause. Kentucky has its flaws, but at least it has a Democratic governor who’s popular and politically savvy. The latter is important because of the upcoming election. 😬

  • oliver@lemmynsfw.com
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    1 year ago

    It doesn’t even seem like you mentioned what your partner thinks of moving to SF, you moved for him a couple times maybe it’s time for him to move for you