i’m extremely mentally ill, with bad mood swings. i’m disordered. i exaggerate everything. i lie a lot and feel like i can’t stop, like an addiction. i’m trying to stop. that’s why i’m telling the truth right now.
my imagination feels better than reality sometimes. i lied once about being in a coma from a plane crash and got berated for it by my school social worker because i obviously lied, but it was a form of expression to me.
my feelings for my girlfriend and past relationships were never pure love. they were obsession. i got attached too quickly and my feelings became an attachment/obsession i’m trying to work on. i have a fear of abandonment. my love for them isn’t pure it feels like, it’s mixed with mud.
As long as you recognize there is a problem, you can work on it. It sounds like you are still pretty young, so you have plenty of time to figure stuff out, also things will get better after puberty.
If you feel you need help, get help, preferably from professionals, nothing wrong with asking for help.
Here’s what I heard you say you think about yourself:
There’s something wrong with me.
Here’s what you actually said:
I recognize I can do better, and I’m trying.
Nobody is born perfect. Babies are little sociopaths. You, like everyone else, are a work in progress.
You should read a little about maladaptive daydreaming. It sounds like your lying is just a form of wishing your life was more interesting than you think it is.
Who you actually are is enough.
Practice spending time in social settings asking questions. You don’t owe anyone entertaining stories, and people would much rather talk than listen.
Don’t beat yourself up for mistakes, but don’t forget them, either. Regret is your brain reminding you not to do that again. Give yourself grace to try to do better next time.
I hope you find the peace you’re looking for. I’m sure it won’t happen overnight, but with hard work, it will happen. I’ve also suffered from fear of abandonment.
There’s nothing wrong with having a vivid imagination and strong feelings! That doesn’t make a person bad! It might be fuel to be a great storyteller, writer or something.
What could be a problem is if you, intentionally or not, hurt yourself or others. Sounds like you think that that’s happening?
Is it possible for you to get help with the latter? To learn to channel the voodoo into positive, and create structure to dampen the harm?
