Context: I am not in danger, I am doing okay for the situation, I will be fine. No worrying needed on that part. I am actively seeking mental health support, I will be okay.
As a general thing, suicide is bad right? I certainly haven’t appreciated it happening around me, and it sucks. In general, I’d like for people to feel like life is worth living.
But there’s a thing here where people want you alive, but they don’t want to help you make a life worth living. You can put tons of effort into everything you do, into the people in your life, but you start thinking maybe life isn’t worth the constant struggle, the endless unrewarding hell, and somehow you’re being selfish for it.
I’ve never had stronger feelings towards ending everything than I had tonight. And still I decided living was the best option. But it still fucking sucks. I still have to keep on with this shitty existence, maintaining my shitty life, in the hopes that people will stop doing things to me that slowly tear me down over and over again. I’d leave if I could, but I financially and socially can’t, and I kind of still don’t want to, because I love my partner even if she left it half a decade too late to sort her stuff out.
The neighbours keep sending construction crews to coincidentally destroy my property, my industry was somehow taken over by garbage fake robots, my martial arts instructor turned into a fascist, and I’m supposed to rebuild my life when the whole world is quicksand. I literally do not have the executive function to keep going under these circumstances.
I still think living is the right call, but fuck me the world could throw us a fucking bone once in a while. This whole thing is bullshit.
/rant
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I 100% can relate. Heck even the choice is limited if you know how bad living can be. Want it to be painless and you don’t want to screw up and have them pull you back with half your brain damaged. I have said before that if humans had an internal off switch. An act of will that could perm exit out. Man would the global population crator. I think a major thing is the possibility of real improvement which has never been lower in my opinion. The world and humanity has a plethora of challenges that even if we all cooperated peacefully to achieve are tough to overcome. This goodly portion that wants for themselves but not for others and looks to use violence to achieve their goals. ugh.
You are speaking my language
and ill just smile and give you a vegamite, sandwich (sorry to break the heavy conversation but maybe a few smiles will result in the etherwebs. and no im not from the land of down under.)
You may or may not find this useful, but I thought I’d share on the chance it might help. The people around you can have a tremendous impact on your mental health. I unfortunately had a malignant narcissist in my life that organized a mobbing campaign calculated to drive me to suicide. How was it done? Massive amounts of gaslighting to unmoor me from reality, heap stressors on me to overload, while those around me seeded the idea by constantly talking about suicide “if you want someone else to completely believe in your idea, you must make them believe that it was their own idea all along.” The strategy was fairly effective, and by the time I realized what was going on I was a wreck and had frequent suicidal ideation.
What stopped me was, like you, something inside telling me not to do it. This experience has completely reshaped how I view suicide, and I suspect that many others have been driven to suicide though similar means. What I did to get out of it was to sever ties with everyone involved, which basically meant severing ties virtually everyone in my life, including my family (they were involved), and rebuilding myself from the ground up. I started with physical improvement through exercise, as I was morbidly obese and had several related health issues. By focusing on small, incremental things that I did have control over, such as sleep, exercise, and nutrition, I was able to make useful changes to improve my life. You can’t change what other people do, but you can change what you do, and that can have an enormous impact on your life. While doing this, I was effectively in purgatory for 4 years while I rebuilt myself, and only last August did I begin to venture out to work on rebuilding my social life. It’s been a long haul, but I am so much happier now. I now have numerous real friends, an active social life, am in the best shape of my life, and am virtually unrecognizable to people who knew me before. The world is still in a shit place, and it will almost certainly get worse before it gets better, but focusing on things I can control and letting go of things out of my control I am in a much better place to deal with it all. Best of luck, and hang in there.
Suicide trolling is murder.
I’ve survived by dumb luck, many don’t.
I remember my yoga person during one session trying to focus me on important things, saying “So imagine you’d die tomorrow.”
me swooning
“Ok, it’s good not to be afraid of death, but it’s also not good to yearn it.”
It’s wisdom for me. Of course the ideation comes closer at times. But then again, it’s ridiculous through how much shit you can go and then have moments where none of it matters, and how things can change. Personally, the worst moments of my life also played a significant part in making me a better person, having a clearer path, seeing life/reality clearer and with better access to come back to it. And from what I can tell this happens to quite a few people, not to minimize the injustice and suffering.
I’m sorry you had to go through that, as nobody deserves it. Ironically, the person that began my harassment fell victim to it himself, and killed himself by stepping in front of a car. Apparently he could dish it out, but not take it when the psychopaths he engaged with turned it on him. “Lay down with dogs, get up with fleas” I guess.
Hah, I don’t like to indulge in Schadenfreude, but I can’t help my reaction.
I’m sorry what you had to go through too, I can imagine as it’s very similar to my experience.
And yeah, every documentary I see of people so heavily involved in this super unethical crime, it backfires in one way or another. They have so many things to worry about, so many things that can bite them in the ass. Things fall apart, and their appetite is never fulfilled. I mean look at the richest people, they don’t seem nearly as happy as some of the poorest I know. It’s a meaningless ego life without real connections or authenticity. Oh so many words can be said. I honestly rather suffer than live their vapid life. :)
Existence is suffering, yes.
So mitigate others suffering.
I’ve been “choosing to live,” so to speak, for about 20 years now. It really feels like 2 steps forward 1 step back for me. Life’s been dicking me over the past few months and I’m doing the worst I’ve been doing for the past few years. It really feels like life sucks from the macro scale to the micro.
I always feel fortunate that I have a single person in the world who genuinely tries their best to help us live our best life. And it would be devastating to them if I were gone. Can’t do that to them. So I keep going, keep trying.
what has worked for me is the idea that there are certain unassailable aspects of living that i still enjoy. simplifying my life to maximize those while cutting out stuff that is contingent, undependable, etc is the goal i strive for. with relationships for me, the attitude i take is “hang on tightly, let go lightly”.
I feel this. If there is one thing is that many things really become obviously unimportant and it is easier to see what is important.
I feel that, in theory I’m mostly the same, but it’s the traumatic events that really deliver the haymaker and get under my defences unfortunately. Things slowly taking away my ability to function won’t kill me, but they do make the big events more powerful over me.
