I am in the interview process for a job in a research group and it is going well so far. The only issue is that I was attracted to the person that interviewed me and I am going to be working with if I get hired.
My girlfriend is the most important person in the world for me so I don’t want to risk catching feelings for someone else, but I also need to find a job if I am to rent a place to finally live with her.
What would you do in my case? Would you stop the interview process and try to find a job elsewhere or would you go for it and trust that you would do the right thing?
This question might sound deranged to you, but I have the full autism/ADHD/OCD combo so I am very out of touch with how the average person thinks.
You’ll meet a bunch of attractive (to you) people through work. You won’t be able to avoid it forever. I suggest you to work on yourself to avoid professional problems in the future.
If I cheated everytime I worked with someone I find attractive I would have cheated dozens of times. Cheating isn’t something you have to do, just… Don’t do it. Also as others have said, start working in yourself, positive directions, self improvement…if you need to chat, message me.
When you talk about self-improvement you mean becoming more mature, secure etc? Because if so I agree with you and I have to do that work. Thanks for the chat offer, I might take you up on that someday
At the end of the day, you’re in control of your actions. You can catch feelings with as many people as you’d like but the only thing that really matters is which one of them you’ve put in the work with, and who you’re willing to do the hard work of building a relationship with.
If your girlfriend is the most important person in the world to you, you don’t have anything else to worry about. I wouldn’t pass up a job I was excited for over something like this.
On the inverse - are you maybe having these thoughts because you’re not as secure in your relationship as you should be? It’s something to consider. You might find that you have repressed feelings that are unresolved, or you might become even more confident in your current relationship.
It’s true that I am not secure, I get a lot of anxiety if I haven’t seen her (not communicated) for some days, and I am a bit of an attention seeker. And that’s something I have to resolve, but it also scares me because people with the same traits as me (maybe magnified) do cheat
It’s pretty easy to be attracted to someone and just… keep it professional?
Like I have had colleagues I find attractive but tbh even flirting let alone asking someone out on a date at work is a bright red line for me. Women deserve to be treated as professionals at the work place and not sexualized. Plenty of fish in the sea and hey, you’ve already got one
It’s pretty easy to be attracted to someone and just… keep it professional?
I guess it is. I am just not very used to interacting with women besides my gf, mother and sisters so I just don’t want to mess up due to immaturity or something. I will just follow the reasonable rules of not getting close to other people I am attracted to, not doing drugs without my gf present etc
I would. Attractive people are everywhere, it is unavoidable. The solution isn’t to avoid the job, but rather to respect that person, your significant other, and your own values enough to maintain appropriate boundaries. Don’t flirt and don’t respond to flirtatious behavior if the other person initiates. Stay professional and tactful.
Yes, but we seem to be very different people. I’m gonna guess you’re younger and this is one of your first jobs? I would never give up a job because I was worried about being surrounded by attractive people, in fact it will likely make your job more pleasant. You need to have a struggle session with yourself and dissect where these fears are coming from like others have said.
One sign of maturity is coming to terms that attractive people are normal people too, and that you need to delineate legitimately wanting to change partners, and just feeling horny lol. If you are worried about self-control, set boundaries and be mindful of your behaviour, especially if you are under the influence.
Well, I’m poly, so I’d just discuss it with my girlfriend. Idk how monogamous people deal with these issues. In my experience, my attraction to people wanes pretty quick when I focus on interests/ideas they have that I don’t like or disagree with, things that would bother me if we lived together, sexual compatibility, etc. Suck the wind out of infatuation’s sails by doing a pragmatic analysis of what a potential relationship might look like. It also helps you appreciate your partner(s) more, because you already have compatibility and comfort there.
But I would still take the job, yeah.
I think you have to learn how to do the right thing, and that looks like a great exercise in understanding different forms of relationships with people. It’s clear what’s in and out of bounds, given the professional context, and your personal relationships.
I don’t think there’s too much to be afraid of, and being aware of your weaknesses gives you an edge to go in there in relative safety.
Do you trust yourself to conduct yourself in an ethical manner if you did work there? If so, then I’d probably work there. If not then that is something you should probably consider. If it’s the former, do not hang out with this coworker and keep things strictly professional.
Do you trust yourself to conduct yourself in an ethical manner if you did work there?
I do not. Not because I have actually done something bad, but I probably am a bit more impulsive than the average person due to ADHD, and I also have the anxious attatchment style in the context of the relationship, so I don’t want to be in a situation where I could act out or something. Also I believe in avoiding temptation in contrast to resisting temptation, so it makes sense to me. Of course you can’t always avoid having to interact with an attractive person, but it seems to me like it’s another thing when you go into such a situation knowingly.
I think if you are having issues around self control and cheating, then maybe your girlfriend isn’t the one for you. Maybe it’s a sign that there is someone else for you.
think if you are having issues around self control and cheating, then maybe your girlfriend isn’t the one for you. Maybe it’s a sign that there is someone else
I never said I have cheated or even come close to. I have self control issues in other areas such as binge eating when stressed but that’s it
Eating vs planning something with someone other than your partner are 2 different levels of impulse control. It takes a bit more work to cheat.
just keep your feelings to yourself and be professional
Are you incapable of being weird about it? Then… maybe its best for everybody to find some other place to work.
If you’re aware of your attraction and can keep things socially acceptable and professional, there’s no reason not to.
I had been working at a place with about 100 employees for quite a while. I’m not a super social person but, given the interactive nature of the work environment and the years spent there, I had developed a few casual work friendships. It took me by surprise when I realized I, a married guy close to 10 years older than the person in question, had a huge crush on one of the work friends. Once I realized what was happening, I slowly backed off interacting with them as often to let my feelings cool down.
I am not incapable, just afraid of being incapable ig. You handled that matter perfectly, kudos
In that case, you’re probably going to be fine.
Polyamory?
