Bat [she/her, he/him]

  • 4 Posts
  • 149 Comments
Joined 3 months ago
Cake day: April 2nd, 2024
  • Bat [she/her, he/him]@hexbear.nettotraaaaaaannnnnnnnnns@hexbear.net•Trans Megathread for the Week of 7/1 - 7/7English
    10·
    4 days ago
    brain worms

    fuck all of this i’m just going to manmode for the rest of my life, nobody is ever going to see me as a woman

    god hrt is just another source of anxiety for me, i’m constantly worried that my spiro isn’t working and keep wanting to get more blood work but that’s expensive so i just panic for months and months and months on end in between blood work, and the long i’m on hrt the more spaced out it is the more i worry this shit isn’t working

    a big reason why i’ve wanted to switch to injections recently is that it gives me an excuse to have my blood work taken again and check to see if my t levels are still suppressed

    i was on 50 mg but then my endo lower it to 25 mg and it freaked me out so i only did that for a bit then i went back to taking the old 50 mg pills but i’m running out and soon i’ll just have to take two of the 25 mg, i need a new endo anyway and a new prescription

  • Bat [she/her, he/him]@hexbear.nettoindigenous@hexbear.net•Congo Crisis (1960) - New General Megathread for the 29th-30th of June 2024English
    3·
    6 days ago

    i can barely sit at all, i’m just keeping busy with house chores mostly. i could not just sit and listen to music at the moment

    i stupidly took another this morning, i’ve heard that there can be really bad symptoms from stopping medication like this suddenly so i just took another but i’m already regretting that decision

    this is not my first day of it, this morning’s dose was day 4. my doctor still has not responded to my email, i have no idea if she’s even going to check it until Monday and i do not have her number or any other way to get in contact with her quickly

    i was able to sleep a little but not much, i kept waking up in the middle of the night, but that’s not unusual for me in the slightest, i don’t get very restful sleep

    but as soon as i woke up it started ramping up again and this morning i’m right back where i was last night

    idk if i need emergency shit, i mean i feel awful but idk if it is life threatening or anything like that

    thankfully i’ve got nothing to do for the foreseeable future, my life is falling apart and i just dropped out of college recently so i’ve got nothing

  • Bat [she/her, he/him]@hexbear.nettoindigenous@hexbear.net•Congo Crisis (1960) - New General Megathread for the 29th-30th of June 2024English
    17·
    7 days ago

    wellbutrin/lexapro update: holy shit i feel absolutely awful right now

    i’ve just been completely wired all fucking day, i spent like 2 hours scrubbing the drip pans for the stove and would have kept going if my friend didn’t stop me cause they wanted to eat dinner

    i’ve just been bouncing from task to task and i feel like i can’t stop, typing this now is like the second time i’ve sat down in hours

    i’m both very energetic and also insane anxious, unexpected noises keep making my jump halfway across the room and i’m flinching at even small movements also my eyes are dilated as fuck

  • Bat [she/her, he/him]@hexbear.nettotraaaaaaannnnnnnnnns@hexbear.net•Trans Megathread for the Week of 5/27 - 6/2English
    27·
    1 month ago

    actually feeling good for once today and thinking that i might just make it

    i stopped taking my hrt for a couple days but i’m back on it and getting back on really boosted my mood

    boob

    also i think that restarted my breast growth?? i’ve been told before that briefly stopping then starting hrt again can help with growth but i thought that was just made up bs but this is the itchiest/sensitive they’ve been since like the first few months of hrt. i really really really hope this isn’t just cope, they’re too small and spaced apart right now and it looks fucked up so i really hope that gets fixed soon. my chest/rib/shoulder area is second only to my face in terms of dysphoria so if that could get sorted out and start looking like actual boobs instead of moobs then that’s be a huge weight off of my mind

    .

    also also i’m going to start trying to avoid /tttt/ and associated subreddits and discords, i was just festering in my self-hatred and being in an environment where other people egg that on is so addictive but also destructive. i do hate myself but i’ve got to learn not to if i ever want to be happy and i’ll never learn how by staying there. i’ve got really bad self-destructive impulses (hence why i stopped hrt) and i’ve really got to work on that

    finally i’m going to try and push myself to actually do more for my transition in the next week or two. beyond hrt i haven’t really done anything else which is probably why i still don’t pass at all, i’ve just been hoping it’ll do all the work but it seems like that isn’t going to happen for me. i’ve mostly been too afraid of trying anything more feminine out of the fear that it’ll make me look/feel even worse and more masculine, so i still haven’t really ever done makeup or voice training or learning fashion etc. so i’m going to actually give makeup a go here really soon

  • Bat [she/her, he/him]@hexbear.nettotraaaaaaannnnnnnnnns@hexbear.net•Trans Megathread for the Week of 5/20 - 5/26English
    11·
    1 month ago
    detransition

    i’ve been really heavily considering detransition lately but i’m still so incredibly torn over what i should do

    i’ve been on hrt for over 2 years now and have almost nothing to show for it. my levels are fine, i remember to talk it every morning and night, but it just does so, so little for me. i’ve recently found out that this just happens to some people, for some unlucky people it just doesn’t do much. people kept telling me that i’d see the most amount of changes in year one, then when that came and went people were like “oh no no year 2 is when things will really start happening” and now year 2 has came and went and still nothing

    i feel like a fake when i tell people my name, like i’m lying to them. i’m out to basically everyone in my life but i still don’t look like a woman. i try my fucking hardest, i do everything in my power but the more overtly feminine a thing is the most masculine i feel when i try and fail at it

    i want to be a woman, but i know most people i interact with on a daily basis will not see me that way, and i don’t see myself as a woman either

    i cried last night thinking about reintroducing myself to people as my deadname, but it also was weirdly comforting in a way? like coming clean with a lie, like a weight has been lifted off of my chest. like running from the police and getting caught, the relief of not having to hide any more, the worst thing has come to pass and so you don’t have to worry anymore, there’s nothing left to lose

    i don’t really want to detransition, but i don’t want to keep being embarrassed and ashamed when telling people my preferred name either

    i don’t really see myself being happy either way. i will be unhappy trying and failing at being a woman, i will be unhappy living life as a man again. but living as a man will be easier, it will be so much less stressful, it will lift this weight off of me

    i think i’d stay on hrt even if i socially detransition, which is stupid because i just said it doesn’t do anything, but the idea of being on testosterone again fills me with panic. i guess that means there is still a part of me that has hope? that maybe year 3 really will just magically be my year

    i don’t know what i’m going to end up doing