my dad was showing me these bruises that look more like purpura on his arms or at the very least just blood splotches under his skin, and he told me how he wonders where it came from. and like. it’s from his drinking pretty sure, esp regarding liver cirrhosis. and I told him that it’s likely from his drinking and he should see a doctor about those blood splotches. but he ignores me. he just gonna drink himself to death and no amount of anything, anyone does, will stop him. especially when he still refuses to get professional help. I think he stopped going to that church recovery group again to, but that church recovery group is not enough. considering he will drink right after going to it…

this reminded me but a few years ago when his doctor told him he needs to stop drinking. he got really mad, talking to me how like. “how it’s his choice. it affects no one!” and “how can a doctor lecture me!” and like. It’s. I don’t know the words to express my thoughts right now regarding that

anyways like. speaking of doctors, he told me how he his last doctor visit went a few weeks ago, and of course they told him that his liver wasn’t doing well. but he just ignored it like it was nothing.

I don’t know why this bothering me now late past midnight. but it is, so im just venting it on here because it is genuinely upsetting in so many ways.

sometimes I think that suicidal part of me has the right idea that I need to die and get it over with. because I don’t know what I’m gonna do if my dad died. especially with my mom having died last year.

It is very upsetting to see him put his large bottle of alcohol in the fridge.

I woke up earlier today, to my dad passed out on his chair, like always. But he made me think about how like. Me and my dad never do anything. Either he’s too busy getting drunk, or that he’d just rather go do stuff with other people. Since he hangs out with his friends and one of my siblings. Where I kind of just feel in the background in lots of ways.

And thinking of that made me think about my mom. At least with her she wanted to do stuff with me, unlike my dad. Despite how complicated it was with her at times. Maybe this is silly but I use to help my mom with groceries, but I generally kind of liked it since I liked talking to my mom and we kind of just looked forward to those trips. Well before her health started to decline, but we also just go to other places to after that. Sort of just getting outside and such. Those were really nice. At least until like, she couldn’t do those anymore. But besides that we do stuff like movie nights and that. Just another nice thing to is like, I could talk to her about my issues with my dad. And she understood, since like she left him because of his drinking. Besides going to her place also meant I could get space away from my dad. Also like my dad wouldn’t question it or anything either.

Besides like, at least I could talk to my mom to and she generally understood me. As in like physically talking because I have trouble speaking. Not to surprising since like she would sometimes help me with speech therapy stuff when I use to see a speech therapist in the past. It really hurts in a lot having like, just my dad to be one last person who generally can understand when I speak.

Just I don’t know. In a way there kind of an anger at my dad some more. My mom also drank a lot like my dad when I was born. but unlike my dad, she manage to stop drinking. However like, my dad is trying to quit at least, but only within the last two years. But even then, he doesn’t really bother trying to get professional help regarding it. And he needs it. I don’t know why he keeps thinking he can just keep brute forcing it or whatever since clearly it’s not working. Sometimes it just feels like to me, he just does tries to stop drinking to appease me or some of my extended family, otherwise he would be happy to keep drinking. But maybe that a distortion of thought on my end and unfair judgement.

Hard not to think that way since like when I confronted him on his drinking two years ago he kicked me out of his house for like a week or two. Hard to also not think that way when he got angry at me for talking about his drinking, as if it meant to be a secret. Hard not to feel that way when there times when it doesn’t feel like he cares much for me at all. I remember telling him that I’m depressed and he acted surprised because he thought my depression and stuff just magically went away! Hard not to feel that way when there time’s he misgenders me, mainly when he drunk. Hard not to feel that way when we never do anything but he all the more willing to drop his plans to go hang out with some friend or someone else. Hard not to feel that way, when I told him how I wanted to die one time and he just ignored it. Meanwhile he acts like I’m fine at times and that I’m gonna be fine! hehehe

also my dad is killing me by constantly keeping the windows shut in the house. It’s hot, open the windows! I already told him how he should. But like, last summer, and the many summer’s before he open the windows. But this summer?! Windows apparently are meant to be kept shut during summer with no window fans going. And why! It’s hot inside. Like I understand if it was too hot outside, but it isn’t! It’s warmer inside than it is outside. And aaaah. Why does he keep doing this? Last winter it was him keeping heater too low where it got to below 55f and even under 50f at times inside the house.

I’m not sure how do I word this or begin this. It just feels like im constantly fighting with myself. And if it’s not that it’s kind of like noticing how at times, I am clearly not fucking thinking clearly/right. It’s also pretty tiring to, where like a part of me wants to die, meanwhile a part of me is like, don’t do that, please take care of basic needs. Where it’s sort of like a “conflict” of inner voices or aspects. Where one wants death with trying to die, and the other just plays like a I dunno, caretaking or guiding star role? Kind of like, “hey, you need to take care of yourself, you have a future, you belong. and you need to do x y and z! also don’t do about what you’re gonna do!” something like that. Sometimes I listen to that aspect and it has saved my ass more than once. Then there sort of another aspect that just sort of like, makes me fall into some not right kind of logic. Sort of like “Hey what if maybe there is more to this world!” think like x-files and all that. and getting into things I need to avoid or be very careful, because that aspect combined with the death aspect can get bad. It’s not a good combination.

Sometimes there are moments where I dunno. I feel “lucid”? As if I woke up or something. I’m thinking clearly, I feel like me. I’m not sure how to word it. Just a lot of days is spent sort of constantly being in sort of like this haze to some extent. I just exist, just that. I exist, but don’t feel like a person. But then there are those moments of like “lucidity” that I’m like. I’m here, actually here. That I actually exist. And I know what I need to do to make things better. But then that “lucidity” doesn’t last long, and it’s back to drowning!

I think what the struggle the most is dealing with that sort of death aspect of myself. That aspect has a lot of sway to some extent. It’s also sort of manipulative to? To give an example sort of like. “Hey your dad drinking himself to death, you have no future. You have no belonging. You HAVE to die! You do not have a choice in this! And if you disagree. Well let me bring up all these bad memories. There is no escape. You know this.” Just sort of that aspect looking for everything and anything to help bring sway to itself, to bring death.

rereading all of that, it really sounds like I need help kind of. but I don’t think I need help. besides, I don’t deserve it. I don’t think I even deserve to live at times. But is this me speaking or that death aspect of me saying this? I don’t know! The lines are blurred. Technically it is all me. So I guess in a way that is me saying that, death aspect or not.