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It’s okay, those aren’t real people.

He actually said this. It was at a rally in some town in Ohio and he said exactly this. Everyone stood up and cheered. One old lady literally ascended into heaven right there on the spot (old ladies do this from time to time). This all really happened and you can all trust me.

You just read this in Eddie Deezen’s voice.

I bestow on you, with gratitude and respect, this humble acknowledgment of your efforts:

All that matters is you tried.

Please enjoy this duck emoji as a token of the internet’s appreciation:

🦆

The word is fuck. You don’t need to be afraid of the word fuck. It’s just a happy, colorful little word and we should all embrace it.

Say it with me everyone:

fuck

It’s so hot it’ll probably overcook your meat loaf.

Letting her know I like her by launching my eyeballs out of their sockets and dropping my tongue completely to the floor.

edit: Forgot the old-timey car horn sound.

arOOOOgah!

I am a nondescript thing that moves through time and space without attracting attention.

Jon Stewart has some thoughts about this.

I already calibrated myself this morning, but I’ll never say no to a bonus calibration. Makes the work day go a little quicker. You know how it is.

It’s absolutely not cum. Don’t anyone say cum. Because I promise it isn’t cum.

A Tangled Hookah?

Lived in a little shit town where everyone was in your business, coupled with a nanny ass school principal who felt is was his duty to society to parent every kid in the school himself.

Me and another kid got detention for fighting.

At my house.

On a Saturday.

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I like to imagine that Bolians have salons similar to Earth’s urban barber shops, where people are really just there to gossip, small talk, argue politics or philosophy, and the grooming is just a side perk.

What’s going on behind the text???