It has been almost 2 years.
We’ve always struggled with sex because her drive is almost nonexistent; which makes me feel insecure and like idk what to do.
It’s basically up to me to initiate sex most of the time since I’m the one that feels like it the most. But I hate that she doesn’t reciprocate the feeling. We have had plenty of conversations where she says she notices that I want sex and wants me to follow through; but I’ve told her that I want her to put in some effort as well; specially if she knows I want to.
She does try to initiate sometimes but in a shy or childish way (like blowing air in my face if we’re facing each other) which puts me off. I’ve told her she can just get on top of me and starting kissing me or grab my penis and play with it. But the message gets lost and she does her versions of seduction.
On a recent conversation she confessed that she noticed I was more confident and forward with sex in the beginning and slowly became hesitant probably due to the way she reacts towards sex (which is true). And that she hoped I would make her more comfortable with her sexuality. I don’t think I can help her become more comfortable with HER sexual side; specially as a man, so it makes me wonder if things will ever get better.
For context: She does have issues with sex I think stemming from her first time. It wasn’t a great experience; and I think that’s what led to her going on a self imposed celibacy through college (she only had sex probably 2-3 times).
Is there anything I can do? I’ve been patient for 2 years but the more time passes the more I feel like she wants me to fix our sex life for the both of us and we’re both getting tired of it.
It sounds like she gave you the solution. Foreplay is an important thing for a lot of people. I wouldn’t call that childish.
Read a few romance novels and practice Foreplay.
Also always remember, although everyone has a sexual appetite, it is neither a responsibility nor an obligation. Sex is an act of love or simple attraction.
I hate to be blunt, but jerk off and wait, and just practice being romantic. If you’re truly that incompatible, you may also want to be responsible and end the relationship.
I’m sorry if that’s not the news you wanted to hear.
Edit: I see your edit, I get what you’re saying. If she was assaulted the first time she had sex, that is deep seated trauma. Based on that concept, I’d further encourage you to be patient and understanding. Even though we call it sexual “needs”, I think she needs more support than you need sex, if that makes sense.
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What makes you think attraction should be enough? For many people it just isn’t. It’s often about foreplay, but not necessarily the physical one immediately before sex. Sometimes emotional foreplay is more important. Some people just need to feel loved and admired, with all those little signs of romantic feelings. There’s nothing childish about it. If you’re not into that and she is, maybe you’re really just incompatible.
I want to say a general comment not specifically about this situation:
At start of relationshp, you should always assums that “what u see is what you get”. Draging on a relationship because maybe my partner will change is not a good idea.Itt might work and it does in some cases but it’s simply not worth waiting years to find out.
Just my two cents
I don’t think this is something you can fix for her, however you can ask her in more detail what exactly she expects of you when she thinks of the idea of you making her more comfortable with her sexuality.
When it comes to the ways that she initiates, it could be that this (blowing air etc) is the language she is comfortable with for now… And you should accept it as a sign that she actually is initiating contact. It’s just not in the way you think.
While sexuality can change over time with things like diet, exercise, and mental health (as these change hormones) I believe everyone has their own base. It seems like you two aren’t even close and I don’t think a happy relationship would come from that.
Not suggesting your gf stops taking any medication to make you happy, but does she take any hormonal birth control? I know someone who was on a variety of them nonstop for years and was starting to think she was asexual. Turns out birth control can destroy sex drive.
It’s important in a relationship. I would say think carefully if you can live with this. Don’t spend your life waiting for someone else…
