Hey, shit happened to me as well… deadbeat obese mom…
Buuut, I wanted him to have his mom by his side… no matter how offputting and lazy she is… so, we make it work (kinda… not really… I do it for the kid, OK 😭?!).
I have a shit mom and a great dad. They got divorced when I was fairly young. I still have a relationship with both of them, but thank god for my good dad because I’m not sure I would be an okay person without him. One good parent can be enough to keep you sane. So keep it up, you can do it :)
Of course, I do it every time and at every occasion I get 😊. I love him to death 😊.
That doesn’t mean I’m not strict. He knows the rulebook, we draw and make shapes and color before TV or whatnot… not that his mom taught him any of that 🤬. She just switches on the TV and call it a day.
Anyway, he still loves having her arround… for moral support or whatever… and he sees other kids do fun stuff with mom and dad, and he wants that as well… and he has only dad in that scenario, but mom is still around… mostly… with a cigarette in her mouth and on her phone doomscrolling 😒… but yeah, she is present.
I am trying not to kill myself solwly by focusing on the kid, what he wants to do and finds interesting, so that keeps my mind off current events… it works… for the time being…
Dude, you have some serious decisions to face that you’ve been putting off. Don’t hide behind “doing it for my child,” make good decisions that are right for you and in the end they’ll be good for your kid too, whether or not there’s short term pain.
I have been thinking about it, trust me. The situation got even more complex a few days ago (I could go into detail, but it really is a long story and I would like to tell the full story with all the details, but I just don’t have the time now). Basically, I’m now left with the option of, one, stay with her and probably suffer till he’s of age to decide which parrent he wants to be with (about 6 more years), or, two, I leave her now, roll the dice for custody and thow away a lot of money for lawyers (which I don’t have) and she probably kills herself at the end (when she looses the custody battle)… the situaton is very complex, I know that this might sound like I’m overreacting, but I’m not. The full story is far far more gruesome.
And I’m also thinking about his reaction to her being either gone from his life or not very present… an oportunity presented itself a few days ago, and I’ll monitor his reactions… still, we’ll see… I know I’ll hate myself if rip her away from his life, but I’ll have to access her influence on him and does the good outweigh the bad in her… we’ll see…
I hope I am… I really do… I think I’m doing OK, but I always consult other people and elderly people that have raised at least a few kids, and then kinda make my own mash of all of the info, take into account my son’s personality and come up with a “formula”… it is a lot of work though, parrenting didn’t really come naturally to me, I really had no idea how to approach a baby from a psychological development perspective. Diapers, eating, cuddling, cramps, that stuff’s easy. Starting to teach him things, that was the hard part for me… quite frankly, I was lost… she was freaking nowhere to be found regarding this, so I had no help from her… so I just started watching people in the park with babies, while we were having a stroll, do what they are doing with their kids. That was my starting point, and it was hard, but it got easier as I got more into it 😊.
Thay may be true, but I can’t in good conscience deny him the right to be with his mother every day… at least not for the time being… things are unfolding as we speak and I’ll have to wait and see the epilogue of these new events to draw a concrete conclusion.
I fully believe that your babymum is a bad parent. But what does her weight have to do with her parenting skills?? You called her fat as though it was the same thing as her bad parenting.
She can’t play with him, can’t get on the ground and play legos or with cars or whatever. She can barely walk more than 100m, so she can’t take him for walks and on the playground, can’t play hide and seek, can’t pick him up, can’t hug him properly…
I mean, I’m sorry, but if your weight (something you have complete control of) gets in the way of you parenting, then… I’m sorry, but you’re first and foremost, extremely selfish, and second, a bad parent. We all have minor weight issues, no doubt there, my BMI isn’t perfect as well, I have like 25, 30 lbs plus, but… this is something completely different. Weighing 320, 330 lbs is not healthy. Having stomach hernia for 4 years and doing nothing about it, is not healthy. She’s ashamed of her body, I get that, but man, there is nothing I would be ashamed of if that thing comes between me and my kids… I’m sorry, I can’t find it in my mind to justify that behaviour.
There are plenty of 330 lb people who can play lego on the floor and go for a walk in the park. You’re conflating weight with the rest of her health. A 4 year untreated stomach hernia isn’t the same thing as being fat. Honestly, with health problems like that, it sounds like her own life is a worse hell than the kid’s. There’s no amount of laziness that makes you harm yourself like that, that’s indicative of an absolutely crippling mental disability like depression or something. Your babymum doesn’t need to lose weight, she needs therapy. Badly. I don’t think she’d become any better as a parent if she lost weight and continued having those health problems. This is the kind of problem that begins at the psychological level, and physical health would definitely follow psychological health if she started getting better. I don’t think any kind of physical intervention can permanently help someone who just cannot look after their own health that badly.
She is taking medication for her depression, but she stopped going to the therapist (no point, as she put it). You try and recommend a different therapist, she says there is no point. You try and recommend to maybe see a psychologist, again, no point.
No matter what I say, it’s always a no or a dumb excuse. The same is true for more or less everyone else that recommends something.
There is no point. You have to want to be helped in order to receive help. I can’t make that happen, she has to be the one to make that first step.
Ah, so I’m right, it is depression. Not obesity. You know, a lifetime of being given bad health information can really screw with someone’s ability to manage depression. If she’s from a similar cultural background as you, she probably spent her whole life being told that obesity causes all her other problems instead of the other way around. But trying to lose weight with all those problems is putting the cart before the horse, it’s nearly impossible. And she’ll have tried it, have found it was nearly impossible, and have given up. She’s probably thinking “There’s no point going to therapy, even when I go to therapy I’m still fat and useless”. And that’s the wrong way to think. That kind of thinking keeps her depressed, keeps her unhealthy, keeps her fat. If you want to give her the best opportunity to fix her own problems, you need to create an environment where health is discussed in a factual and scientific way. Not an environment where all those problems are shorthanded as “she’s fat”. That’s the kind of talk that gets someone into a situation like this in the first place.
She wasn’t always depressed, she used to be this very friendly cheerful person (we’ve known each other for 20 years now, 7 dating, last 6 years married), but she was always fat. That never bothered me, I kinda like plump girls actually. But, yes, she has been obese for the past… oh, 7, 8 to 10 years though.
Health has always been discussed in a scientific way, we’re both intelectuals, we don’t just blurb stuff out of our mouths, or if we do, it’s always with a “my 2 cents” at the end (I think it’s like this, but I’m not sure). I don’t think that’s the problem.
And now she’s with gangrene (flesh eating desease) in a hospital… for the next 6 months probably and god knows how many operations. Obesity is not the main culprit in this, it’s the flesh eating bacteria, but obesity didn’t help either (can’t wash what’s deep between those rolls, combine that with sweat and bacteria, she has high blood sugar, another thing that she ignored for years, and it’s a perfect breeding ground for stuff like that). She was litelarly decomposing before I forced her to go to the ER (we either go, or me and the kid are gone)… still in the process of washing everything from the bedroom, the kid and me are sleeping in the living room.
She did lose weight when we were trying to have a kid, no doubt there, but that took so much enegry from me… she needs constant support and resurrance and love and hugs and converstaions for the same things, over and over again… I just can’t do it any more, it’s not just the 2 of us any more, the kid needs attention too, and that comes first in my book. Plus, as I said, I’m just tired of doing all that. She’s a grown up, she can take care of herself, I’m sorry, I’m just done. I gave up freelancing and a REALLY GOOD second income in order to be here for my kid instead of just being the dad that always works, I am not going to throw that time and energy (again) on her.
Hey, shit happened to me as well… deadbeat obese mom…
Buuut, I wanted him to have his mom by his side… no matter how offputting and lazy she is… so, we make it work (kinda… not really… I do it for the kid, OK 😭?!).
I have a shit mom and a great dad. They got divorced when I was fairly young. I still have a relationship with both of them, but thank god for my good dad because I’m not sure I would be an okay person without him. One good parent can be enough to keep you sane. So keep it up, you can do it :)
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Of course, I do it every time and at every occasion I get 😊. I love him to death 😊.
That doesn’t mean I’m not strict. He knows the rulebook, we draw and make shapes and color before TV or whatnot… not that his mom taught him any of that 🤬. She just switches on the TV and call it a day.
Anyway, he still loves having her arround… for moral support or whatever… and he sees other kids do fun stuff with mom and dad, and he wants that as well… and he has only dad in that scenario, but mom is still around… mostly… with a cigarette in her mouth and on her phone doomscrolling 😒… but yeah, she is present.
I am trying not to kill myself solwly by focusing on the kid, what he wants to do and finds interesting, so that keeps my mind off current events… it works… for the time being…
Dude, you have some serious decisions to face that you’ve been putting off. Don’t hide behind “doing it for my child,” make good decisions that are right for you and in the end they’ll be good for your kid too, whether or not there’s short term pain.
I have been thinking about it, trust me. The situation got even more complex a few days ago (I could go into detail, but it really is a long story and I would like to tell the full story with all the details, but I just don’t have the time now). Basically, I’m now left with the option of, one, stay with her and probably suffer till he’s of age to decide which parrent he wants to be with (about 6 more years), or, two, I leave her now, roll the dice for custody and thow away a lot of money for lawyers (which I don’t have) and she probably kills herself at the end (when she looses the custody battle)… the situaton is very complex, I know that this might sound like I’m overreacting, but I’m not. The full story is far far more gruesome.
And I’m also thinking about his reaction to her being either gone from his life or not very present… an oportunity presented itself a few days ago, and I’ll monitor his reactions… still, we’ll see… I know I’ll hate myself if rip her away from his life, but I’ll have to access her influence on him and does the good outweigh the bad in her… we’ll see…
sounds like you’re doing a good job being a dad, kids lucky to have you :)
I hope I am… I really do… I think I’m doing OK, but I always consult other people and elderly people that have raised at least a few kids, and then kinda make my own mash of all of the info, take into account my son’s personality and come up with a “formula”… it is a lot of work though, parrenting didn’t really come naturally to me, I really had no idea how to approach a baby from a psychological development perspective. Diapers, eating, cuddling, cramps, that stuff’s easy. Starting to teach him things, that was the hard part for me… quite frankly, I was lost… she was freaking nowhere to be found regarding this, so I had no help from her… so I just started watching people in the park with babies, while we were having a stroll, do what they are doing with their kids. That was my starting point, and it was hard, but it got easier as I got more into it 😊.
hell yea man, like I said, kids lucky to have a dad that tries as hard as you do :)
Thank you, it means a lot 😊.
Giving a young person two sets of perspective is often as valuable as having a stable nuclear family. Good work.
Thay may be true, but I can’t in good conscience deny him the right to be with his mother every day… at least not for the time being… things are unfolding as we speak and I’ll have to wait and see the epilogue of these new events to draw a concrete conclusion.
I fully believe that your babymum is a bad parent. But what does her weight have to do with her parenting skills?? You called her fat as though it was the same thing as her bad parenting.
She can’t play with him, can’t get on the ground and play legos or with cars or whatever. She can barely walk more than 100m, so she can’t take him for walks and on the playground, can’t play hide and seek, can’t pick him up, can’t hug him properly…
I mean, I’m sorry, but if your weight (something you have complete control of) gets in the way of you parenting, then… I’m sorry, but you’re first and foremost, extremely selfish, and second, a bad parent. We all have minor weight issues, no doubt there, my BMI isn’t perfect as well, I have like 25, 30 lbs plus, but… this is something completely different. Weighing 320, 330 lbs is not healthy. Having stomach hernia for 4 years and doing nothing about it, is not healthy. She’s ashamed of her body, I get that, but man, there is nothing I would be ashamed of if that thing comes between me and my kids… I’m sorry, I can’t find it in my mind to justify that behaviour.
There are plenty of 330 lb people who can play lego on the floor and go for a walk in the park. You’re conflating weight with the rest of her health. A 4 year untreated stomach hernia isn’t the same thing as being fat. Honestly, with health problems like that, it sounds like her own life is a worse hell than the kid’s. There’s no amount of laziness that makes you harm yourself like that, that’s indicative of an absolutely crippling mental disability like depression or something. Your babymum doesn’t need to lose weight, she needs therapy. Badly. I don’t think she’d become any better as a parent if she lost weight and continued having those health problems. This is the kind of problem that begins at the psychological level, and physical health would definitely follow psychological health if she started getting better. I don’t think any kind of physical intervention can permanently help someone who just cannot look after their own health that badly.
She is taking medication for her depression, but she stopped going to the therapist (no point, as she put it). You try and recommend a different therapist, she says there is no point. You try and recommend to maybe see a psychologist, again, no point.
No matter what I say, it’s always a no or a dumb excuse. The same is true for more or less everyone else that recommends something.
There is no point. You have to want to be helped in order to receive help. I can’t make that happen, she has to be the one to make that first step.
Ah, so I’m right, it is depression. Not obesity. You know, a lifetime of being given bad health information can really screw with someone’s ability to manage depression. If she’s from a similar cultural background as you, she probably spent her whole life being told that obesity causes all her other problems instead of the other way around. But trying to lose weight with all those problems is putting the cart before the horse, it’s nearly impossible. And she’ll have tried it, have found it was nearly impossible, and have given up. She’s probably thinking “There’s no point going to therapy, even when I go to therapy I’m still fat and useless”. And that’s the wrong way to think. That kind of thinking keeps her depressed, keeps her unhealthy, keeps her fat. If you want to give her the best opportunity to fix her own problems, you need to create an environment where health is discussed in a factual and scientific way. Not an environment where all those problems are shorthanded as “she’s fat”. That’s the kind of talk that gets someone into a situation like this in the first place.
She wasn’t always depressed, she used to be this very friendly cheerful person (we’ve known each other for 20 years now, 7 dating, last 6 years married), but she was always fat. That never bothered me, I kinda like plump girls actually. But, yes, she has been obese for the past… oh, 7, 8 to 10 years though.
Health has always been discussed in a scientific way, we’re both intelectuals, we don’t just blurb stuff out of our mouths, or if we do, it’s always with a “my 2 cents” at the end (I think it’s like this, but I’m not sure). I don’t think that’s the problem.
And now she’s with gangrene (flesh eating desease) in a hospital… for the next 6 months probably and god knows how many operations. Obesity is not the main culprit in this, it’s the flesh eating bacteria, but obesity didn’t help either (can’t wash what’s deep between those rolls, combine that with sweat and bacteria, she has high blood sugar, another thing that she ignored for years, and it’s a perfect breeding ground for stuff like that). She was litelarly decomposing before I forced her to go to the ER (we either go, or me and the kid are gone)… still in the process of washing everything from the bedroom, the kid and me are sleeping in the living room.
She did lose weight when we were trying to have a kid, no doubt there, but that took so much enegry from me… she needs constant support and resurrance and love and hugs and converstaions for the same things, over and over again… I just can’t do it any more, it’s not just the 2 of us any more, the kid needs attention too, and that comes first in my book. Plus, as I said, I’m just tired of doing all that. She’s a grown up, she can take care of herself, I’m sorry, I’m just done. I gave up freelancing and a REALLY GOOD second income in order to be here for my kid instead of just being the dad that always works, I am not going to throw that time and energy (again) on her.