I am so so so sorry to any child that was forced to read these. Especially to those who played Dungeons and Dragons in hopes of gaining supernatural powers. As it’s been proven by many a stranger thing, TTRPGs are a symptom of occult talent, not a cause.

My personal corrections to Chick’s instructions (last page) once you’ve found me:

1. Read your Bible every day to get to know Jesus Christ better. Use your critical thinking skills to consider whether or not God would qualify as a good parent in today’s society. Is crucifixion a valid form of corporal punishment for unruly children? Discuss whether God’s fitness as a parent impacts his capacity to govern as a supreme being.

2. Talk to God in prayer everyday. He hates that - prayer spam drives him nuts.

3. Be baptized in bodaciousness, be excellent to one another, and serve where love is the final authority.

4. Tell others about Jesus Christ and how to ding a ding dang your dangalong ling long.

Up for debate, according to his bandmate, and his own words:

“Ha ha, very funny,” he says. “Look, as I’ve always said, it’s not my fault the bad guys had the best shit. But by collecting Nazi memorabilia, it doesn’t mean I’m a fascist, or a skinhead. I’m not. I just liked the clobber. And let me tell you, the kind of people who do collect this stuff, they aren’t yobbos either. They are people with Masters [degrees], they are doctors, professors. I’ve always liked a good uniform, and throughout history, it’s always been the bad guy who dressed the best: Napoleon, the Confederates, the Nazis. If we had a good uniform, I’d collect ours as well, but what does the British Army have? Khaki. Makes them look like like a fucking swamp frog…”

You’re free to make your own judgements of course - I personally disagree with him about the aesthetic being reason enough to start a collection, and for the record, fuck Nazis. I just like the song - goes well with drinking and being pissed at my Dad.

See what I mean? Everyone believes this bullshit.

First off, that whole revolution thing was Judas’ deal, and the fucker sold me out the moment it was clear that it had failed. Secondly, it’s kinda hard to stand up to your Dad when you’re a kid, especially when he happens to put you on blast with the holy visions and angels and whatnot - plus there’s that whole “I created the entire universe when I was your age” trip that no kid should ever be subjected to. Third, I didn’t spread my Dad’s bullshit - that Old Testament crap is definitely not me. Shouldn’t even be included in the same library, much less the same book as my biography.

Which, I should point out, most of which wasn’t written by anyone who actually listened to me. Fuck Paul in particular on that front, by the way - fucking homophobic con-man. “Oh Jesus made me blind! Oh Jesus made me see!” goddamn load of bullshit - never met the guy in my life or afterlife. Besides, everyone knows I went to Mexico for a vacation after being crucified, before I headed out to Japan to settle down. There was no way I was gonna stay in Roman territory and give them a second chance to finish the job.

Finally, have you ever talked to a platypus? Vicious, angry little creatures, rapacious predators, and masters of the deadly arts, particularly poisonings. Many are hitmen in the Maori mafia - no one suspects a platypus, despite Perry’s reputation.

Chaotic neutral at best, but definitely not good.

Fuck this propaganda bullshit. Dad is always trying to duck the blame for his shitty behavior. The whole “get crucified and save the world thing” was his idea - you think I wanted to get nails driven through my damn hands?

And another thing - everyone is always misquoting me and thinking I’m him. For the last fucking time, I’M NOT MY DAD. I have nothing to do with anything that asshole spits out, or how reporters spun my quotes after the whole cross situation. I mean, for fuck’s sake, platypuses? What kind of sick mind comes up with that? Who looks at a duck and thinks hey, that’s not badass enough - lets make it venomous and furry!

ONE SICK MOTHERFUCKER, that’s who, and I’m tired of taking responsibility for his weird ass decisions and proclamations.

For the record, since everyone wants to misquote me on these things: no one needs saving they can’t provide to themselves. Fuck who you like. Love who you like. Do what you like, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone… or causes changes to duck genetics. Ducks are cool as-is, bro.

Also, I effing love atheists. You guys are fucking hilarious, and I love seeing you piss off the old man. So y’all get an upvote for letting me rant, and if your soul engine ever needs a tune-up, hit me up in the garage.

Yeah, Texas isn’t kind to those of us with unique hairstyles.

Don’t tell me who to fuck.

Maybe, but THIS is one step beyond madness.

That was totally my dickhead Dad’s idea, btw. Not just the “stick your kid on a cross” idea, but sin itself. I mean, if you’re gonna create a universe filled with carnal desire, what damn right do you have to tell folks not to enjoy it?

Then, to top that absurd hypocrisy, he then goes around knocking up virgins under their fiance’s nose, declares the kid the king of the Jews (when there already IS a king who likes to behead prophets), and then tells the kid he’s gotta overthrown the Roman Empire… lemme just say I’ve considered patricide more than once.

Ahh, so something like this is more your speed (don’t like to mod the bodies on those babies, handling is perfect as-is). Incredible cars to drive, but finding the right engine parts can be an adventure unto itself.

Like this?

Yes, among many others.

All of them. I’ve replaced my skills with the hammer with those of the monkeywrench. There is no vehicle known to man or god I can’t trick out.

Side note - I see your check engine light is on. You may need a tune-up. Bring it on by the garage @13thFloor and we’ll see about a valve and soul lube job.

My Dad is such a dick.

Source? I knew he was a philandering asshole, but I didn’t know he was divorced before he met Mom.

Shit, maybe he wasn’t… now I need a damn drink. Anyone got a spare water bottle?