lilypad [she/her]
- 7 Posts
- 64 Comments
7·2 months agodeleted by creator
Im finally surrounded by other trans people and its really nice to be able to just exist like that :)
I had a similar thing around my facial hair before i began transition. I hated it, but i also loved it because it hid my face. I had a big dysphoria beard, and shaved it a couple times, but every time i just let it grow back because what was underneath was so alien and weird and bad. Do you think youd like your face more if it were more feminine? Like dont try to focus on specific parts of your face, maybe dont even look in the mirror.
I think focusing on specific things can be a bit of a trap, both in that one can develop dismorphia, and in that ones transition might not change those things.
hrt risks (also just my opinions and not comprehensive and are specific to me and my risk assessment i did before starting transition)
Trying hrt is low risk in some ways, but that doesnt mean no risk. One should be ok with the risks before starting. The big one is that one may become sterile depending on how long one is on hrt. The others include genital atrophy and breast growth, but with genital atrophy it can be combatted to a certain degree by maintaining bloodflow for ~10 minutes every few days, and with breast growth one can always get a mastectomy (its probably easier to get if the doctors think their patient is a cis man, cause gender affirming care for cis people is common and simple to get comparatively)
8·3 months agoHow many zionists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Four
One to convince the others to do it
A second to donate the bulb
A third to actually screw it in
And a fourth to loudly proclaim that all world jewry stand behind their actions
2·3 months agoThat high of being with someone who fits you so well, who you fit so well, idk it can be so intoxicating.
(Also, if you end a line with a backslash
\it will force a line break without making a new paragraph)
Sorry for writing copious amounts of text and treating this kinda like a journal, i know im pretty self centered right now, sorry.
Anyway
I went on a really nice date to some gardens with this wonderful woman this past weekend.
It was magical and felt so perfect. Shes also trans and idk if its that or just her but like she gets me in a way that I doubt cis people ever could. We had hooked up a couple times before this, and it was really nice to be in a more romantic/nonsexual setting with her. Gosh i feel intoxicated when Im with her, like theres gotta be something wrong with me right? She makes me feel such wonderful things, shes smart and passionate and strong and really fucking attractive and shes pursuing me of all people, i just feel so lucky. Idk where its going, if it’ll last a month, a year, who knows, but im here for it.
Its also shone a light on my insecurities and fear of abandonment, and given me a really fucking good reason to get those managed. I mean, theyre mostly managed, kinda, and partially managed on a bad day, but still i want to have them completely managed. Idk, she just makes me want to be the best version of myself.
I guess thats all to say: yall, im falling hard for this woman and its at a time when I dont have the bandwidth for a serious relationship. I guess happiness comes when you least expect it? Im taking her to the movies this friday, and thinking to cook up a desert themed for the movie (but its a ton of work and im kind of dying right now, housing instability and all that (side note fuck landlords, housing should be a basic human right))
I just want to snuggle up with her forever, lay on her couch wrapped in each other, talking about nothing and everything. And kiss her, like a lot.
On the less wonderous side of things, ive been realizing the extent of my mothers codependency/fucked-up-edness and it shifted how I view her and made my discomfort relating to her more understandable. Im tired of being responsible for her emotional state, of being there for her in situations where I shouldnt have to be. For example, shes set a hard boundary about me leaving her house after 3 months, which is fine, but when I express anxiety around my housing instability and frustration with not being able to find a place to rent, she gets very upset and distraught that Im facing homelessness, and then I have to take care of her and soothe her and take care of her emotions when she is the one contributing to/forcing that situation in the first place! You cant tell your daughter to get out of your house and then turn around and be distraught by your daughter not having a place to live!? Make it make sense, please.Ive got a great monster of the week campaign going on that im continuously excited for, its really fun :) plus everyone is trans and its great.
Anyway, life is life, and life is wonderful and terrible.
4·4 months agoIf you ever feel like picking it up again, at least one gal will be there reflecting
Life is going really well this week (well, big asterisk, cause ill probs be homeless come end of march) and ive been connecting with people and like having a lovely time being social. Idk having people who you like being around is really nice. Went to the local t4t night at a bar that is i think a socialist bar, which was fun. Went with some friends and just hung out and talked, which was really enjoyable, even if my anxiety was through the roof the entire time.
Life is just wonderful right now, even if I have no job prospects and all the housing ads i respond to say nah.
I also started P a week ago, which has been really nice and stabilized my mood a bit. Ive also been debating compounding my own P, but im afraid of ordering a kg of white powder to my door lol.
Its also my birthday soon which i have such mixed feelings about.
5·4 months agoThe third half of the sky
This is really good but also some things I struggle with in there. I know i have to do some kind of corpo-speak esq shit, but like
Para 2: Talking about yourself and selling your ‘passion’. e.g. “This role really attracts me as I am a self-described [industry] fan/nut/enthusiast. If successful, this role will help me deepen my industry knowledge and round out my aptitudes. The professoonal growth opportunities presented by [company] are compelling including its business connections, enthusiastic staff and positive reputation.”
This is so hard for me, like I know its not lying but selling myself is something im really bad at lol.
But genuinely thank you this is a helpful form to follow
Ohhh you have no idea how much I want to do this… It would be a gamble that probably wouldnt pay off tho, and I really need a job (my housing situation is over at the end of march and I need to have a job to be able to find an appartment that will rent to me, been turned down time and again because income verification).
This is a good starting point and not one Id considered, thank you 😀. I guess im off to make an account on the chatgpt thingy? Uff i feel dirty just writing that lol 😬
This got more rambly than I thought, sorry.
Im holding and trying to carry forward with me the mantra of “I am beautiful because Im trans”. Im trying to extend that more cerebral belief downwards, and invert the deeper feelings of my transness disqualifying me from any form of beauty. Just like trying to carry the beliefs towards each other so they can meet. and tbh I think once Ive addressed the major dysphoria points on my face it will be easier to extend that mantra to “I am attractive. Full stop”. I know I will never fit the societal standard of “pretty”, but that doesnt matter cause society is hateful and built on agressively contracted/shrunken colonial standards of beauty and gender. I have a lot of good beliefs in that cerebral space, i just need to bring them deeper. It also reveals to me the ways my familys weird body dismorphia stuff impacted my view of myself and whats acceptable, but thats a whole other conversation.
Ive also really been kinda inspired by a comment from Othello and a post from Cromalin about just being like “Im cute!”, and bringing that from yourself to yourself. Idk, i struggle with feeling like a toy, like, i get taken out of my box, played with, and out back in my box, and I dont have actual desires of my own. So a sort of side-project of sorts is working on accepting that I can and do want to be cute and that cuteness is a state of mind that I can carry with me wherever I am and whatever I look like.
These exercises were difficult and helpful, thank you
One of the things that became quickly apparent to me was the continuation of my whole “rules for me but not for thee” internalized BS. It makes it very difficult to see what is internalized transphobia/queerphobia/etc. and what is deeply negative self conception. For example, the cop in my head doesnt say “trans people cant be beautiful/pretty/attractive”, rather, he says “you cant be beautiful/pretty/attractive”. But is this judgement a result of self hatred alone? Or (more likely) is it the result of internalized transphobia coupled with a deep seated feeling/understanding that it is unacceptable to say something negative about another person, so the entire weight of the judgement gets turned onto myself as the only internally consistent and valid target?
I guess another way to say it would be ‘is he saying “you cant be beautiful/pretty/attractive” or “you cant be beautiful/pretty/attractive (because you’re not cis)”?’.Anyway, thank you for doing these journaling posts. This one was upsetting but in a probably healthy way. The only way out is through (insert chorus from “the wheel” here)
I hope your scavenger hunt goes well!
Its not even the kind of music I would normally listen to, but its been on repeat this last day. Idk it just hits all the right spots of my heart.
I needed this song right now, thank you for sharing
This sounds like my experience. Im already an emotional mess most days, prog just dials it up. I dont miss when I was on ssris (snris didnt work for me) because of the robot-ness.