I just need to share some meandering thoughts, please bear with me.
The way I think and feel emotions is strange to me. I’ve spent so much time in my own head conceptualizing things I can’t always process my own thoughts.
I feel like there’s this veil over all my perception that I can just barely catch a sense is there. I especially get it when listening to music with certain ethereal sounds. Sleep is another avenue where I try to press on this boundary, but I’ve never felt like I’ve broken through. I have a vague spiritual sense about it and I feel like realizing my trans identity was the biggest turn towards understanding it. I’m also neurodivergent with ADHD and a good bit of trauma, when I started my stimulant meds it made all these things more manageable, but there’s still this uncomfortable disquiet always on my mind. Anyone else feel this way or something akin to it?
I agree a lot. To me, I’d describe it as a ‘head in the clouds’ kind of feeling. Like there’s some long tether between ‘feelings’ in the visceral sense, and the conceptualizing and wandering thoughts of my ‘conscious mind’. And any big emotional change feels like its distant and takes time to ‘work its way up’, not to mention just the various impressions that I just don’t feel emotions on connect to reality the same way others do. One of the little things that is just kind of petty but always makes me feel alien, is I just don’t like most media. I don’t like movies or TV, I don’t like the vast majority of music.
I also definitely have that ‘veiled third eye’ feeling, or the sense of catching snippets of sounds or sights that are hidden or Important. But its worth noting, I have schizophrenia, so I know what that part of it is all about. But a big part of those kinds of things for me isn’t just the hallucination of the sense, but the delusion that it is real and important, the same way some thoughts feel profound and correct, and I gotta recognize and ground or check in with others.