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The “I’m not trans because there’s never been any signs that I’m trans” to “holy fuck in retrospect there were a ton of obvious signs” pipeline
“I don’t have gender dysphoria, I just feel like shit all the time, constantly imagine myself as a different sex, and would do anything to make that happen. But like, I don’t qualify as trans”
Mind you back when I was doing this I was mostly just terrified of RLE and being denied hrt over my sexual orientation, both of which were real possibilities (though drastically lessening over my teenage years)
Literally my development
I apologize for my ignorance, but what’s RLE?
Oh yeah I’m old lol. RLE is short for Real Life Experience. The long and short of it is many therapists used to make you live as your identified gender full time for a period of time before they would write you a letter of recommendation to start hormones. And back then you couldn’t get hormones without that letter, it acted as a diagnosis of gender dysphoria. The rise of the modern informed consent model is something I transitioned during about 11 years ago and it was kinda a huge deal.
But yeah as an old comic I spent too long looking for before deciding I probably shouldn’t link it anyways said, RLE more or less functioned as hazing for trans people by the medical establishment. Even as late as the early 10s you might be denied hormones for not transitioning to hetero (or bi depending on the therapist) or for not dressing exaggeratedly enough (in the mid teens a friend got refused a letter because she didn’t wear makeup or skirts to appointments).
I actually had that happen with my therapist, I refused to do so until they caved in. I wore a skirt and lipstick to appointments online, even though I’d normally not have done so. I hate having to put myself into an arbitrary box because others are narrowminded.
I wanted to do the RLE only accompanying with hormones. I felt it too scary to be dressed in an affirming way while I still looked the “wrong gender for my clothes” (and I thought it’d give me harassment).
I think that that’s why it’s so important to let people decide for themselves. The hormones should be over the counter and people should be able to try them out for at least a few months, with informed consent.
When I finally got the hormones, that was such BIG relief honestly. I nowadays manage to pass more and more and get gendered right, so I’m very happy about that.
Thank you for explaining.
I’m sorry you had to struggle.
I’m glad that (if I understand correctly and please let me know if I don’t) that you get to be you.
Oh absolutely and sorry if I was kinda downery about it, I had it easy, not as easy as some, but those who came before did important work. I just think as someone who transitioned in a different time it’s important to not let our history be forgotten, especially as many who experienced it learned to be less loud about it
“I am not trans I just like the aesthetic.”
“I don’t understand trans people. Why would you have a problem with the gender you were given at birth? If I was born a woman I wouldn’t want to transition into a man”
- me before I realized I was trans
That’s literally me right now. I cannot imagine what someone must feel for them to transition and how they might feel because of the transition (though can obv appreciate and accept that some have those feelings I can’t directly relate to).
I don’t know, I genuinely feel like it wouldn’t change that much about my life. Even if the things I want and do stay the same, I feel like I could do those the same way no matter my gender. What does my gender even change about my life? Is gender even real?
I can relate to that.
I like being a dude, I enjoy dressing in a “manly” way, and if I had to change something about my body, I’d wish for broader shoulders without having to work out, or the ability to grow a decent beard without looking stupid. I couldn’t imagine having breasts or not having a penis, that would just be wrong.
That said, if I had somehow been born as a girl, I doubt it would have changed much about me (ignoring the different expectations / gender norms and all that shit). If someone offered me to magically swap into a female body for a day or two, I am pretty sure my curiosity would win.
Manhood can be a spectrum with all sorts of variants. What you wish to feel as is what you feel as. You’re valid.
Men in the Roman times wore tunicas and skirts, women trousers in Celtic and Germanic areas. Lipstick is used by men and women alike.
I personally feel myself as a gal, but I generally like to dress neutrally/masculinely. Only very rarely do I go full skirty, so to say.
Definitely something to be said about how gender isn’t “real,” but people’s perception of it is.
There’s no pattern of masculine or feminine behavior/style that is consistent across cultures and throughout history. It’s all arbitrary.
But that binary perception of masculine/feminine is nevertheless all around us, even if it’s not consistently represented.
I’d like to think that not much would change about my style or mannerisms if I had been born with different parts, and I find it odd how unnecessarily gendered so many aspects of society are. I’m just “me,” what else would I want to be? But I also need to remind myself that I only think that way because I’ve never had to worry about being seen as something other than what I am, even if I don’t feel that strongly about it. It’s easy to overlook just how much of my life experience has been colored by my effortless gender presentation.
Not everyone gets that by default, and it’s hard to put myself in those shoes because I simply can’t understand what it’s like to be viewed as the opposite gender, or why it might cause discomfort.
If I were airlifted to some other culture that viewed pants as feminine and skirts as masculine, would I toss all of my jeans to conform? I’d like to think I wouldn’t, because I like the comfort of pants and attributing a gender standard to clothes has always seemed silly to me. But if it affected the way people saw me, I just might.
The first time I allowed myself to wear a dress when I first saw myself in the mirror as a woman I immediately understood how it feels to identify with your body. Before I would always say I am not a body I only inhabit it. But as soon as I could see myself as a woman something clicked in my brain and for the first time I felt like I was that body. Before that I didn’t even know that was something one could feel. So at least for me gender is very real.
Idk not having tits made me want to kill myself and I was willing to pay nearly a college degree of money to undergo major genital surgery despite being allergic to opiates. Gender as some metaphysical thing, yeah felt that on acid once while several years into transitioning.
What does my gender even change about my life?
The answer is probably different for each person. I always felt weird about the expectations people have on me based on my gender.
Is gender even real?
Great question! I don’t know. Probably is… and isn’t. I think about it like a social construct, like money for example. Money doesn’t exist in biology or in physics. Its just paper, or metal discs, or a number on my screen. But it definitely affects the lives of people living in any civilization. But gender can’t be just a social construct because it’s too subjective. There probably is more to it.
There isn’t much scientific research in gender. We definitely need more.
Erm…how did that happen? I mean, I try to be empathetic, but I also do asume I would want to be a woman if I was one. 🤷♂️
I don’t think I understand your question (^—^;)
edit: just to be clear, when I said “born a woman” I meant AFAB.
How did you realize you are trans?
oh well… I thought I was neutral about my gender (I also thought everyone was, and that my discomfort with my body was normal), but I started trying stuff and having people referring to me with “she” and “her” and just seeing me as a feminine person made me feel a comfort I never felt before.
My sibling seems to be going through that. I have yet to hear what they decided on 🤷♂️
I myself just can’t be arsed to care about gender anymore, that’s probably more the dissociation kicking in than anything else.
Make sure to let them feel safe about expressing themself. I hope everything goes well for you both (^w^)
Yeah, parents would stone us or something, def not in this country, and with them around.
Hey look, it’s me too!
It’s like not knowing what pain is until you get relief for the first time because it’s so constant that it’s all you know
What’s pain?
As someone with both gender dysphoria and chronic pain, this is a little too real
Sometimes I think I might have, but it feels like not strong enough for me to consider any change. Is there such a thing? Or am I just crazy and lost?
It probably is. There definitely seem to be people best described as cis by default (would have been fine regardless of which gender they lived as), though there’s little evidence beyond self reported experiences (as opposed to the evidence for trans identity where cross sex hormones result in increased happiness and the very case study evidence for cis identity where loss or reversal of sexual traits are associated with development of gender dysphoria). We can also point to the reality that transness does appear to have scaled intensity, where some people hit the “transition or die” stage as teenagers, some hit it in varying other ages, and others never do but still feel transition was the correct course of action for their life.
Why yes, i don’t like my genitals or body hair or facial hair or my hands or my feet or my voice or where my body disperses fat, and I’m generally deeply uncomfortable with all of the above, but what does that have to do with dysphoria?
🙃
And everyone experiences this right 👀 not just me
Of course! Not experiencing your AGAB in dreams on a regular basis is also perfectly normal
I have hyperrealistic dreams and even experienced pregnancy while dreaming - feeling a baby kick, as if an elbow touched me from the inside. That was so euphoric, but when I woke up, I was so heartbroken 😭
I would literally commit multiple crimes if it meant I could undergo a succesful pregnancy. Even if I died, I would at least have succeeded this, and science could advance knowledge of how to improve chances for other uterus lackers.
